


I'll Surrender Up My Heart (And Swap It For Yours)

by muchmorethanaprincess



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Adoption, Baby Fic, F/M, Future Fic, canonverse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-21
Updated: 2015-09-21
Packaged: 2018-04-22 15:57:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4841546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/muchmorethanaprincess/pseuds/muchmorethanaprincess
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clarke didn't intend to adopt a baby, and she didn't intend to become co-parents with Bellamy. But that didn't stop it from happening.<br/>***<br/>Clarke watched as the baby's eyes fell closed, breathing a sigh of relief and letting her own do the same. She was almost completely out when Bellamy moved from underneath her.<br/>“Wha-?” She mumbled, and Bellamy laughed quietly.<br/>“I’m just putting her in the crib.”<br/>“Don’t leave,” Clarke said, eyes still closed but her hand clutching his arm.<br/>“I won’t.”<br/>A minute later he came back and looped his arms around Clarke to pull her down on the bed, then laid next to her.<br/>“Thank you for helping,” she murmured as she curled into his chest.<br/>He wrapped an arm around her waist.<br/>“Anytime, Clarke.”<br/>***<br/>Set in Camp Jaha several years in the future.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'll Surrender Up My Heart (And Swap It For Yours)

**Author's Note:**

> This is a baby fic, so if you don't like baby fic, I would encourage you not to read it! I understand that that genre isn't everyone's cup of tea. To be honest, I never thought I would write a baby fic, but this idea grabbed ahold of me and here we are. I will say that it's definitely less about the actual baby and what taking care of a child is like, and more about how the responsibility and love involved affects Clarke and Bellamy's relationship with each other.  
> Title from the song Lego House, by Ed Sheeran.

Clarke didn’t really mean to adopt a baby. And she certainly didn’t mean to drag Bellamy into the responsibility with her.

She figured she might have children eventually, since life had settled down at Camp Jaha – as much as it could, at least. They had alliances with some of the grounder clans, they were getting better every year at increasing their food production and treating the illnesses that came with winter, and most of their people lived inside the remains of Mount Weather. She and Bellamy ran the satellite colony that was Camp Jaha, while Mount Weather had a council of leaders like the Ark had. Many of the women in both locations, encouraged by the council, had decided to have their birth control implants removed so they could have children.

All was well so far, and though there had been miscarriages, and one stillbirth, all the mothers had made it through, and the camp was now accustomed to crying babies and toddlers bouncing around.

So Clarke had thought she might have a baby _someday_ , but she wasn’t in any sort of a rush. Besides, if she wanted a baby, someone would have to get her pregnant, and she hadn’t been with any men since Finn. And while she may have had a hot sex dream (or two) involving Bellamy in the past, their relationship was…not like that.

Besides, Clarke would be just fine without a child anyway. Who knew if she’d even be a good mother? But maybe, someday, if Bellamy ever wanted her – well, she wouldn’t be totally opposed to having a dark-haired, freckled kid that looked just like him.

She couldn’t really picture herself having anyone else’s baby. She certainly couldn’t picture anyone else having Bellamy’s baby. She hoped he at least felt the same way.

 

Lottie was the first new mother to die, and the story around camp was that she died from heartbreak, not from the birth. Clarke helped deliver her baby three months before, and Lottie was sickly since. She barely produced enough milk for the baby, but she was recovering, and the medical team figured she just needed time and rest, and she’d probably be fine. She just shouldn’t ever try to have another child.

But then her husband died in a hunting accident, and suddenly Lottie was worse than she had been the day of the birth. A week later she was dead, and baby Kenna was an orphan.

Clarke wasn’t carrying Kenna, her tiny face pressed against the blanket slung over Clarke’s shoulder, because she intended to keep her. Clarke wasn’t even particularly fond of babies. There was nothing wrong with them, she thought, she’d just probably like her own kids a lot better than other people’s.

She was carrying Kenna because she didn’t want to leave her in the cabin while she told the necessary people in camp that a grave needed to be dug for Lottie, preferably _soon_.

She didn’t notice Bellamy standing at the door of his own cabin as she walked by, so she didn’t see the way his eyes widened at the sight of a baby in her arms, and she missed the small, fond smile that settled on his face after she passed.

And maybe Clarke didn’t like babies, but she liked the weight of a tiny body against her chest, and the way Kenna nuzzled her face against her neck when she got restless. She didn’t enjoy the terrible screaming and crying when the baby got hungry, or the burping and diaper changing involved afterward, but Clarke was an adult. She could handle something like this.

She didn’t realize she would have to _keep_ handling it until after dinner, when she walked from cabin to cabin in the camp to find someone willing to adopt her. And no one volunteered.

She went to Bellamy’s cabin last. When he opened the door, his face lit up with an easy grin.

“I see you’ve got yourself a kid,” he said.

“Yeah, and apparently she’s going to actually be my kid,” Clarke said grudgingly.

“What? Come in,” he moved out of the way and guided her into the cabin with a hand on her lower back.

“No one wants her,” Clarke said as she settled in a chair at the table. “I asked everyone, a few people said they would take her _if they had to_ ,” she mimicked in a grumbling voice. “But no one wants her. Or has the time, I guess.”

“Maybe someone at Mount Weather?” He asked, dragging the chair across the table to her side, so he could be closer to the baby. Bellamy was good with kids, and he enjoyed being around them in a way Clarke had never learned.

She shook her head. “No, I already radioed. They’ve got some kind of flu right now, my mom said if we do take her there, we should wait until after winter at least. And she couldn’t even think of anyone who would be willing to take Kenna, if we did.”

“So give her to one of the people here who said they’d do it,” he shrugged.

“No!” She didn’t know why she was suddenly indignant, but she clutched Kenna a little closer. “Didn’t you hear me, Bellamy? They don’t _want_ her.”

“Neither do you.”

“Don’t say that!”

“Isn’t it true? You’re not exactly a baby person.”

“But I can handle it! I just- I don’t want her to be left with someone who doesn’t want her. She doesn’t deserve that.” Clarke looked down into Kenna’s face. She had dark skin, and dense, brown hair. She reminded Clarke of Wells, and it sent a pang of longing for her best friend through her heart.

“Everyone just has their own shit to deal with,” Bellamy said. “I’ll help you with her, if you want.”

Clarke looked up happily. “Really? Thank you, thank you, thank you.”

“Whatever,” he scratched the back of his neck, and Clarke had known him long enough to know he did that when embarrassed. “Just, when I’m around, you know.”

“I know,” she smiled softly. “Do you want to hold her?”

He nodded, trying to play it off, but she saw the way his face changed when she handed Kenna over. Everything about him softened, his shoulders melting into a protective slump over the little girl.

“She’s lovely,” he whispered, and Clarke felt like she might cry. It had been a long day, after all, and tomorrow they’d hold Lottie’s funeral, but for now it was just herself and Bellamy, sitting in his cabin, staring at a baby. And despite talking to every adult in camp, Bellamy was the first one to genuinely offer his help.

She scooted her chair closer and leaned her head against his shoulder. She was glad she had him.

 

The first week was deceptively easy. Kenna slept a lot, and ate the formula that Clarke made her, and Clarke got used to changing diapers, although she had never before realized just how much puke was involved with babies. She was manageable enough during Clarke’s shifts in the med-bay, especially since things were mostly calm around camp at the moment.

It was a false sense of security, because the next week, Kenna hardly slept, keeping Clarke up and making her short-tempered during the day.

When Luke, one of Camp Jaha’s hunters, and also a bit of a dick, came in with a broken leg, Clarke sighed in frustration and wasn’t surprised when Kenna started crying seconds later.

“Can you shut that kid up?” Luke said through teeth gritted in pain.

But Clarke didn’t have time to be sympathetic to the camp asshole being rude to her baby, and she stuck him with a sedative before she could even think about it.

Kenna wailed on in the background as Luke slumped on the medical table. Clarke couldn’t even hear herself think, much less focus on setting a broken leg. She radioed engineering, hoping Monty was working. 

“Monty?” She rubbed at her face, wondering if she looked as bad as she felt. He answered after a moment.

“Hey Clarke. What’s up?”

“Could you find Bellamy for me? And bring him to the med-bay? And then could you stay and help me set a broken leg?”

“Sure thing, I’ll be there in a minute.”

When Monty and Bellamy walked through the door of the med-bay, it was to find Clarke holding a wailing Kenna, her eyes closed as if she was trying to summon patience. She opened her eyes in relief and smiled at Bellamy, passing off Kenna as soon as she reached him.

“She hasn’t been sleeping well, so we’re both grumpy, he came in,” she nodded at Luke, “and she started screaming.”

Bellamy’s eyes lingered on Luke. “What did you do, tranquilize him?”

“It was just a light sedative. But when he wakes up I’m going to tell him he passed out from the pain.”

Monty snorted. It wasn’t news that most of the delinquents disliked Luke. 

Clarke shrugged casually, “I don’t need him ogling my breasts the whole time I’m setting his leg. And he was being rude about Kenna.”

Bellamy nodded, a flash of something fierce crossing his face for a split second.

“Right, so you need me to take Kenna?”

“Yes! If you have time, but if you can’t, that’s totally fine, I’ll find someone else-”

“Clarke, it’s fine. I can even keep her for the rest of the afternoon, if you want a break.”

She tilted her head at him with a small smile. “Did you know you’re my favorite person on this entire wasted earth?”

Bellamy rolled his eyes. “I think you’ve mentioned it once or twice. You can come pick her up whenever.”

“Wait! Don’t forget her blanket,” Clarke called, just before he and Kenna were out the door.

“Of course,” Bellamy said, taking it from her when she walked over with it.

“Thanks again.” Before she could overthink it, she leaned up to press a kiss against his cheek, then turned around quickly and walked back to Monty, already giving instructions for how to help her with Luke’s leg. She didn’t see Bellamy shake his head to get rid of the stupid smile on his face as he walked away.

 

Two days later, Kenna wouldn't stop crying at two in the morning, and Clarke made her way to Bellamy's cabin, the baby bundled in a blanket in her arms. 

She knocked as loudly as she dared on his door, but figured Kenna had probably already woken the whole camp. 

"What?" he said, groggy, when he pulled the door open, and Clarke was treated to the sight of his bare chest. But before she could say anything, she spotted Sam, a grounder girl about her own age, through the door, sitting up in Bellamy's bed. 

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry, I didn't know you had company, I'm so sorry, I'll just go," Clarke said in a rush, already turning to leave. 

"Stop that," Bellamy said, grabbing her elbow and holding her in place. "What's wrong?" 

"Kenna won't stop crying," she said, apologetic. "I don't know what to do." 

"She's going to make herself sick," Bellamy mumbled, already reaching out to take her. 

"Sam, you can stay here, I'm just going to go to Clarke's cabin to take care of this," he called over his shoulder, and then led the way. 

When they got there, Clarke sat at the table, leaning forward to put her head in her hands, but Bellamy stayed standing, bouncing Kenna and murmuring happy, nonsensical words to her. She had already quieted measurably since Clarke handed her off, and now her cries were winding down to hiccuping gasps. Soon they were gone altogether. 

"Unbelievable! Part of me wants to hate you for how easy that was, and the other part knows that I really need to sleep so I should be grateful. I think she likes you better than me." Clarke glared at Bellamy. He only smiled back. 

"Well, you're not in the clear yet, she is still awake."

"Whatever, I'm making the most of this," Clarke said as she moved from the table to the bed. "You wanna come sit with me?"

He looked a little surprised, but agreed easily. "Yeah, sure." 

Clarke sat down, propped against the wall, and Bellamy settled in at her side, holding Kenna gently to his chest. Clarke laid her head on his shoulder as she ran her hand softly over the baby's hair. 

"So, you and Sam, huh?" She asked. 

"What do you mean? You knew she was passing through."

"Yeah I did. I just didn't know you two had a... thing, I guess." 

"A thing huh? Like all those things you've had with grounder women too?"

Clarke was glad she wasn't looking at him head on as the blush licked up her face. "Whatever, those were just flings."

"Yeah, well Sam is just a fling too."

"Does she know that?"

"Yep."

“Okay.”

Clarke watched as Kenna’s eyes fell closed, breathing a sigh of relief and letting her own do the same. She was almost completely out when Bellamy moved from underneath her.

“Wha-?” She mumbled, and Bellamy laughed quietly.

“I’m just putting her in the crib.”

“Don’t leave,” Clarke said, eyes still closed but her hand clutching his arm.

“I won’t.”

A minute later he came back and looped his arms around Clarke to pull her down on the bed, then laid next to her.

“Thank you for helping,” she murmured as she curled into his chest.

He wrapped an arm around her waist.

“Anytime, Clarke.”

 

Sam left the next day, and Clarke hoped she wouldn’t come back, though she felt stupid about it. There was no need to feel threatened just because Bellamy liked bedding her when she was around. It’s not as if some girl could take him away from his partnership with Clarke. He wouldn’t let that happen.

Still, Clarke felt relieved that Sam was gone. At the very least, it made it less awkward when she had to barge into Bellamy’s cabin in the middle of the night because Kenna wouldn’t stop crying, or when she commandeered his evenings because she just needed a break.

But despite how difficult it was, and how much sleep she lost, Clarke suddenly couldn’t imagine her life without Kenna. She was a handful, but her gummy smile was the most rewarding thing Clarke had seen in what felt like years. And when she watched Bellamy playing with her, and heard his deep laugh mixed with Kenna’s tiny shrieking giggles, she couldn’t stop her heart from swelling.

“I’m thinking of renaming her,” Clarke said to Bellamy, after about a month and a half of taking care of her. They were sitting across from each other on her bed, Bellamy playing quietly with Kenna while Clarke read an old book that they’d scavenged from a bunker.

“What?”

“I mean not- she’d still be Kenna. But I was thinking a middle name? Whatever,” she shook her head, “it’s probably stupid.”

“No, it’s not stupid,” Bellamy said softly, and Clarke had to turn her head when she saw the tender look on his face. “What’s her new middle name?”

“Wells.”

“Oh.”

“See? It’s stupid.”

“No,” Bellamy said. “No, I think it’s perfect.”

“Really?”

“Really.” He looked down at the baby, holding her hands in his. “Kenna Wells.”

“Kenna Wells,” Clarke repeated, almost managing to keep the lump out of her throat.

Bellamy caught her eye. “You’re doing a good job, Clarke.”

She nodded. “I know.”

“Good.”

 

A month later, Raven cornered Clarke in the med-bay.

“So what’s going on with you and Bellamy?”

“What do you mean? Nothing’s going on.”

“You two are spending an awful lot of time together,” Raven said, accusingly.

“We always spend a lot of time together. He’s just been helping me with the baby.”

“Sure you’re not working on having a second baby?”

“Holy shit, Raven, no! Jesus, what’s wrong with you?”

“I’m just saying,” Raven shrugged casually. “If you get with him and don’t tell me about it, I’m gonna be pissed. I can’t be the last one to know the gossip. I’m supposed to be the first one to know, as your friend.”

“Yeah, my very crude friend,” Clarke mumbled.

“What was that?” Raven asked, though she clearly heard.

“Nothing. If anything _like that_ ever happens with me and Bellamy, you’ll be the first to know. I will personally get out of bed with him to walk to your cabin and tell you how it was. Satisfied?”

“Oh don’t sass me. You can stay in bed with him. But the next morning! I’d better not hear it from anyone else.”

Clarke rolled her eyes. “You got it, Ray.”

“Good. Now how’s that child of yours?”

Clarke beamed as she launched into a discussion of Kenna’s latest eating habits.

 

Clarke didn’t realize how attached Kenna was to Bellamy until she was seven months old and he left on his first extended trip since Clarke started caring for her. He had to go to Mount Weather for a council, which Clarke declined to attend because she avoided Mount Weather as much as possible, plus, she had Kenna to think about. She was practically inconsolable the whole week, and Clarke’s own sour mood probably wasn’t helping. She couldn’t seem to do anything right, and Lincoln even spent a whole day with Kenna, just to give Clarke a chance to breathe.

It was the first time Clarke realized that Bellamy wasn’t just helping her with Kenna, he was becoming a steady part of her life. He was acting like a parent, and Kenna was looking at him as one.

Clarke wasn’t opposed to the idea, but she didn’t like the feeling that she might have pushed Bellamy into this, just because he was willing to help her.

But that thought was obliterated when Bellamy walked back through the gates of Camp Jaha, and Clarke, as soon as she heard the news, walked out to meet him with Kenna on her hip. The little girl started squealing as soon as she saw him, and he rushed over, grabbing her from Clarke’s outstretched hands and pressing playful kisses over her whole face. Kenna giggled in delight, fisting her tiny hands in Bellamy’s t-shirt as he alternately kissed her and murmured that he missed her.

Clarke couldn’t stop smiling, and when Bellamy reached over to sling an arm around her shoulders and press a kiss to her temple, she told herself that the blush that covered her cheeks was just excitement at having him home, not a reaction to how much she suddenly saw them as a family.

 

Her good mood disappeared pretty quickly in Bellamy’s cabin, as he unloaded his pack and told Clarke the goings on at Mount Weather, including that a family there could adopt Kenna, if she wanted.

“What?”

“Yeah,” he said, distracted with putting away the clothes from his pack. “There’s this couple, they’ve already got a couple kids, but they said they’d take another. I guess they don’t want to try again because the wife is getting older, they don’t want to risk complications or whatever. I met them, just to check, and they seemed nice enough, I guess.”

“No,” Clarke said, her voice wavering dangerously.

Bellamy finally looked up. “Whoa, Clarke-”

“No, they can’t have Kenna. And I can’t believe you would just—go to Mount Weather and tell some random people that they could have our child! She’s already struggled enough, I’m not going to put her through that!”

“Clarke-”

“No, Kenna is mine! She’s my daughter, and you can’t promise her to someone else! You’ll have to tell that couple to get their own child, because they can’t have mine! I won’t let you take her away from me!”

Bellamy crossed the room in a few steps and grabbed Clarke’s face between his hands, forcing her to look at him. “Clarke! Calm down. No one is going to take Kenna away from you,” he said firmly. “Okay? I won’t let that happen either. I didn’t promise that couple anything, we just talked about it, okay? I didn’t know if you wanted to keep Kenna, I wanted to make sure you had—options, if you wanted them. That’s all.”

“Of course I want to keep Kenna,” Clarke whined.

“Well you’ve never told me that, how was I supposed to know?” he asked, an air of frustration to his voice but a smile creeping up his face.

“You were just,” she pushed her hands weakly against his chest, “supposed to know.”

“Okay, I’ll read your mind next time.”

She huffed, but let her head fall to his shoulder, sighing when he wrapped his arms around her.

“Is it selfish of me to keep her?” she asked in a small voice.

“No, Clarke. She’s yours. No one could do a better job of loving her than you.”

“She’s yours too,” Clarke whispered.

“Yeah,” Bellamy said softly. “Mine too.”

 

That night, Clarke played with Kenna, alone in her cabin, blowing kisses on her stomach to make her giggle and saying, “I love you, baby. I love you Kenna Wells. I love you,” over and over and over. It was the first time she’d let herself say it, now that it was real – she was keeping her – and it felt perfect.

 

She and Bellamy didn’t talk about her meltdown, but she caught him a week later fruitlessly trying to teach Kenna the word “mama,” and had to walk away from the cabin so he wouldn’t see her tears and know she’d heard.

 

Two months later, Clarke left Kenna for the first time. She and Bellamy had to attend a meeting with some of the grounder clans that Camp Jaha held trade agreements with. Kenna was nine months old, and since the trip would only take four days, Clarke let herself be convinced that Raven and some of the delinquents could handle her. Still, she could hardly let her go when it was time to leave, and she radioed camp within an hour to check on her. Bellamy was better, but Clarke had a feeling he was only holding it together because one of them had to. She saw him sigh in relief when she told him that Raven said Kenna was great so far.

Clarke made it through the days with multiple radio calls checking in, and on the last night, she distracted herself with the feast the grounders held to celebrate summer and the wine they provided.

As she sat beside the main campfire in a discussion with one of the farmers she had met years ago, she noticed Bellamy scowling at them, then quickly turning away when he realized she was looking.

She excused herself from the conversation and walked over to his spot on a fallen log. She kicked his calf lightly. “What’s your problem?”

“I don’t have a problem,” he said, stiff.

“You sure about that?”

“I’m sure, Clarke.”

“Whatever you say.”

She walked away, only to return a minute later with a cup in her hand. She plopped down to the open space next to him, nudging his shoulder with her own. She handed him the cup and watched as he sniffed and then drank from it.

“You trying to get me drunk?” he asked, but his voice was lighter.

“You don’t need to be drunk, Bellamy, you just need to loosen up.”

“Whatever you say,” he repeated her words back to her.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, Bellamy nursing his drink.

“He was flirting with you,” he said finally, trying to make it sound like a casual observation, but failing.

“Who was?”

“Thomas,” Bellamy said, referring to the man she had been sitting with earlier.

“You’re full of it, he wasn’t flirting with me,” Clarke scoffed.

“I have eyes Clarke.”

“Yeah, was the smoke bothering them? Because there was no flirting.”

“Whatever.” He shook his head.

Clarke paused a moment, then said, “We were talking about crops. And the best way to make sure that the camp’s stores last through winter. Don’t be a dick. Or if you’re going to, go be a dick with Sam, or someone else, because I’m not going to deal with it. And stop scowling at people!”

She stood and strode away, walking back to the tent that the village had provided for she and Bellamy to share while they stayed, stripping her outer layers of clothing once she got inside and climbing into the bed.

Thirty minutes later Bellamy followed, and when he got into bed behind her (because of course the village had given them only one bed) he said, “Sam and I aren’t-”

“I know,” she cut him off.

“Okay.” He sighed.

Clarke took a deep breath, trying to soothe her nerves. He was mad because he thought someone was flirting with her. That was all, and she wasn’t going to read into it. That was a perfectly normal reaction to have toward someone he was sort of raising a child with.

She turned to Bellamy and laid her head on his chest before he could say anything. They’d shared a bed often enough, taking care of Kenna, that it wasn’t awkward to fall asleep or wake up together. And even before that, they’d spent enough time sleeping in the same space, on diplomatic trips, and camping in the middle of the woods.

So Clarke told herself it didn’t mean anything when he wrapped his arm around her and her stomach flipped. She wasn’t going to read into it. She just liked him. She’d always liked him. He was a good person to share responsibility with – dependable, and loyal, and strong (she pushed musings of his particularly strong arms out of her head). He was the perfect person to have on her side while raising Kenna, and she wasn’t going to mess that up just because she wanted more.

She’d walked in on him and one of his past grounder girls making out in his cabin once, and though it hadn’t bothered her at the time, she noted that he uh… looked like he was certainly doing a good job. Not than she had _tried_ to notice. But it was kind of hard not to. The girl definitely seemed to be enjoying it.

Clarke tried not to think about the mental image of Bellamy wholeheartedly kissing someone else, but then she was thinking about him kissing her, and she hadn’t been kissed by anyone in what felt like ages. The longing swept through her in one painful ache, and she squirmed without realizing it.

But then Bellamy’s hands stroked over her back, using his short nails to scratch through the material of her shirt in wide circles.

She sighed contentedly and nuzzled against his chest as goosebumps erupted over her arms, letting out a tiny whimper because _fuck_ , that felt good.

It wasn’t quite the kind of affection she was longing for, but it was soothing and felt positively blissful, and it was coming from Bellamy, so honestly, it was close enough. She’d take it.

 

When they got back to Camp Jaha the next day, Bellamy let Clarke scoop Kenna out of Raven’s arms first, though he waited impatiently for his own turn with the little girl. She cooed happily at both of them.

When Clarke got to her cabin, she walked right back out to go to Bellamy’s.

“Do you know anything about the uh… rocking chair that appeared in my cabin while we were gone?” she asked.

He looked up quickly, almost banging his head on a cupboard.

“Uh, yeah. Sorry it took me so long. I just thought… a new mom should have a rocking chair.”

“You made it yourself?”

“Yeah, I just finished it. I had Miller move it to your cabin while we were gone, so I could, I dunno.” He scratched the back of his neck. “Surprise you, I guess.”

“Thank you,” Clarke said, feeling like her heart was in her throat.

Bellamy blushed. “It was nothing.”

She walked over to him. “It wasn’t nothing,” she said as she hugged him. She leaned up quickly to press a kiss to his cheek before pulling away. “Thank you.”

“Yeah, you’re welcome,” he said as she walked out the door.

 

A month later, Bellamy got hurt during a hunt, and though the injuries ended up being painful but manageable, the minutes between when Miller radioed ahead and when they arrived back at camp were tense and unsettling for Clarke.

“Med-bay, we need a bed prepared. We’re ten minutes out,” Miller’s voice crackled through the radio.

Clarke froze, suddenly glad but also horrified that she was the one on shift.

“Who, um…” she said into the radio, trying to collect herself. “Who’s hurt? And how bad is it?”

“It’s Bellamy.”

Clarke felt her jaw drop, because no. _No_ , Bellamy couldn’t be hurt. Bellamy was too smart to get hurt on a stupid hunting trip.

“What kind of injuries should I be preparing for?”

“A wound on his stomach that’s bleeding a lot, and a gash on his head that’s bleeding, well, even more.”

Clarke took a deep breath. He could be fine. It could all be totally fixable. Head wounds always bled a lot, and whatever had hurt his stomach could have been anywhere, maybe not hitting any of his internal organs. She hoped.

“Are you putting pressure on the wounds? To stop the bleeding?” she asked Miller, and could practically hear him rolling his eyes when he answered, “yes, we’re putting pressure on them, Clarke, we’re not idiots. We’ll be there soon.”

A moment later, Monty walked through the door, offering to take Kenna while she worked, which she accepted immediately.

Clarke would have walked to the gate to meet them, but she was bustling around the med-bay, trying to have everything she might need ready when they arrived. And though she tried to organize her thoughts into some kind of calm preparedness that wouldn’t flinch at whatever she saw, she gasped when Bellamy, supported by Miller under one arm and another of the hunters under the other, came tumbling through the door.

There was blood _everywhere_.

The boys put Bellamy on the medical bed before she had to tell them to, and then she was firing into action, ordering Miller to put pressure on the gash on his head as she handed him a towel, and raising Bellamy’s shirt to get a better look at the cut on his side. She breathed a sigh of relief when she saw that it was just a flesh wound.

“What happened?” she asked, as she set about to sanitize every bloody inch of Bellamy and do stitches.

“He got charged by an elk—”

“Jesus Christ.”

“His side is where the antlers got him, his head is from hitting a rock when he fell.”

“Fucking idiot,” Clarke muttered, but her voice sounded a little waterlogged.

“But he’ll—he’ll be okay, right?” Miller asked, sounding nervous for the first time.

“Yeah, as long as we can get this bleeding stopped, and nothing gets infected, he should be fine.”

“But the good news, princess,” Bellamy’s voice wavered as he came back to consciousness, “is that I got the elk.”

“I hate you,” she said, sniffling through the tears that welled in her eyes at his voice, and the use of his old nickname for her, which she hadn’t heard in ages.

“Believe me, the feeling’s mutual,” he said, gritting his teeth in what she could only assume was pain as she doused his head wound in alcohol and started stitching.

He grabbed one of her hands, squeezing tightly at the pain, and it was fine for a moment, but—

“Bell, I need this hand,” she said gently.

He seemed to shake himself out of his pain-induced stupor, and dropped her fingers quickly.

“Right, of course. Sorry, I’ll just…” He dropped his hand awkwardly, and Clarke might have laughed in amusement if he wasn’t injured.

“Here,” she said, grabbing his hand and placing it on her hip, then doing the same with his other hand, on her other hip. “You can squeeze as hard as you need to for the pain.”

“Clarke…”

“My hips are actually much squishier than my hands, and have less tiny bones for you to break. Trust me, it’s better,” she said soothingly as she continued stitching.

She finished up on his head, and moved to the wound on his stomach. He barely made a sound the entire time, but the strength with which he clutched her hips belied the pain he was enduring.

When she was finished, she put bandages on both of the wounds, now neatly stitched over, peeled his shirt all the way off, and washed the blood off his chest. Bellamy sighed, and since she had checked for a concussion, and was relieved to find that he didn’t have one, she let him close his eyes and drift off. When his face and neck and chest were clean again, she leaned forward to kiss his forehead, right at the edge of the bandage.

“Don’t do that again,” she whispered, even though he was out cold.

 

When he woke up, the first thing he asked was, “Where’s Kenna?”

Clarke told him she was with Monty, then forced him to eat. When he complained that she was giving him more than his fair share of meat, she looked at him sternly.

“Do you know how much blood you lost today?”

“From the look on your face, I’m guessing it was a lot?”

“It was everywhere. Eat the stupid elk meat, from the stupid elk that attacked you. You’re the one that killed it, after all. And you need your iron.”

He pulled a face, but stopped arguing.

 

Clarke made him sleep in her cabin that night, afraid that if he went back to his, he would pass out standing up, or go to work the next morning as if nothing happened. He put up a fight, but Clarke could tell he was happy to be close to Kenna.

And when she ordered him to four days of rest to recover from the blood loss (maybe one day more than he actually needed, but who could blame Clarke for being worried?) he grumbled, but listened. The light, finger-shaped bruises stayed on her hips for a week, but she didn’t mind.

 

Two months later, just before Kenna’s first birthday, Bellamy gave Clarke another gift, but it was a bit bigger than the rocking chair. He led Clarke to his cabin, ordering her to keep her eyes closed, and when they reached it, she was shocked to find that there was a new addition.

“What is this?” she asked.

“This is your new cabin.” He pulled her inside, showing her the door that led to a new, separate bedroom off from the main room.

“I don’t understand, this is your cabin,” Clarke said, confused.

“I would have done the addition to your own, but I didn’t want you and Kenna to be living there with the construction, and I realized, our cabins were nearly identical anyway, so I could put the addition on mine, and then we could just swap once it was finished.”

“But… why?”

Bellamy scratched the back of his neck. “I just thought, as Kenna gets older, you both might want some privacy.”

“It’s wonderful Bell. But this is a lot of space for just Kenna,” she said, walking through the bedroom.

“Well if…” he trailed off, and she watched a blush rise up his neck. “If you ever have more kids, there will be space for them, without having to make another addition.”

“Oh.” She could feel her own blush heating her face. It was completely logical reasoning, but Clarke couldn’t picture herself having another kid with anyone but Bellamy, and she wondered what he was picturing when he thought she might have another someday. Was he giving her privacy for herself and… someone else? The thought seemed absurd.

“You and Kenna can move in today, if you want,” Bellamy offered.

She looked at him fondly. “I think we will.”

 

Clarke had to go to Mount Weather. It was stupid, but if she didn’t go see her mother at least once a year, Abby would start harassing every person at Camp Jaha who ever radioed Mount Weather, and then she’d just show up herself, which was… not ideal. Their relationship was better than it had been, but still strained, and honestly, they just did better when they were farther away from each other. But Clarke had to go, if at least to just let Abby check her health and content herself that her daughter was still doing well.

Bellamy usually took the trip with Clarke, because he knew how hard it was for her emotionally to be in the mountain, but she insisted that he stay at Camp Jaha with Kenna, and he had a hard time arguing against that.

“So, you’re still taking care of that child?” Abby asked, as she ran through the motions of a physical checkup.

“Well, that’s not really what I would call it,” Clarke said, trying very hard not to be annoyed.

“What do you call it?”

“She’s my daughter. I’m not just taking care of her. I’m raising her. I’m—” Clarke swallowed the sudden lump in her throat. “I’m her mother.”

“And is that making you happy?” Abby asked quietly.

Clarke blinked. She hadn’t really thought of her situation like that. So much of being on earth was just being unhappy and dealing with it, and knowing it was enough to just be alive. Was having Kenna making her happy?

“Yes,” she said, her voice steady. “It makes me very happy.”

“Well then,” Abby said, “I’m happy for you, Clarke.”

“Thanks Mom.”

“Maybe I should come meet her sometime, if that’s okay?”

“You should,” Clarke agreed. “Kenna should meet her grandma.”

Abby turned away quickly, but not before Clarke saw the wetness gathering in her eyes.

 

Clarke got back to camp a couple days later, relieved to be home. _Home_ , she thought. Where Kenna was. Where Bellamy was. That was what home meant now.

Bellamy met her at the gate with Kenna in his arms, hugging her and asking how it went.

She shrugged. “It was fine. I mean, it was hard, it always is, but I managed.”

He handed off Kenna, and Clarke peppered her face with kisses, feeling her heart swell at the sound of her daughter’s excited shrieks.

“Come on,” Bellamy said, winding an arm around her waist and guiding her to her cabin. “We’ve got something to show you.”

“We?”

“You’ll see.”

Once in her cabin, Bellamy pushed her to sit at the table, Kenna in her lap, and crouched next to them.

“I don’t want you to be mad,” he started, “but Kenna said her first word while you were gone.”

“What?”

“I mean, you’ve heard her talk before, but it’s gibberish. This was her first _real_ word.”

“What was it?”

“Well I was hoping she would say it for you.”

Clarke turned to Kenna as Bellamy tried to coax her.

“Come on baby,” he said playfully.  “Can you say it? Can you say the word for mama?”

Kenna was in a good mood, happy to see Clarke again, and it only took a few more tries before she said “Mama!” throwing her hands in the air triumphantly as she repeated after Bellamy.

Clarke’s jaw dropped as her eyes started watering. “Oh my god.”

“Pretty amazing, huh?”

But Clarke couldn’t respond as a tiny sob hitched in her chest. “I’m sorry! I don’t want to cry,” she said through the tears running down her cheeks, “but I’m really happy.”

“Don’t worry,” he said, letting her pull him into an awkward hug from the way she was sitting and he was kneeling. “I might have cried a little when she said it the first time.”

“Thank you for doing this with me,” she said, choked up, not talking about Kenna’s first word, but Kenna’s first everything, and he only nodded.

“Of course, Clarke.”

 

A couple weeks later, Raven, Monty, and Octavia banded together to throw Kenna a first birthday party. It was filled with adults mostly, but some of the toddlers ran around under their feet too. The delinquents all took turns holding Kenna, and a few of them even had gifts for her, handmade toys and blankets that they’d scavenged the materials for.

Bellamy stuck by her side the whole time, a warm, solid presence that she appreciated. But when Raven passed her a cup of wine, she didn’t think it would be enough to make her tipsy. It was a child’s party, after all, but she guessed that her alcohol tolerance had probably dipped a bit in the nine months that she’d been a mom.

Suddenly, with her senses fuzzier, Bellamy’s presence wasn’t comforting, but grating. Clarke felt very aware of how much alone time she’d lost since Kenna arrived. And what little alone time she did have, she usually spent sleeping. She got herself off occasionally in the dark, hurried and rushed and quiet, better now since Kenna had her own room, but still limited. It wasn’t that she was dying for more orgasms, but she didn’t get to treat herself very often, and she felt, now that her inhibitions were a little lowered, that that was some kind of sad injustice.

And Bellamy’s body heat next to her wasn’t helping her sudden arousal.

She slipped away from him to go to the bathroom, then found Octavia (who was suspiciously not drinking) and asked her to keep an eye on Kenna for the next thirty minutes or so, only saying that she was slipping out to her cabin for a break. Octavia agreed easily, though she did give her a funny look.

The second Clarke was back in her cabin, she stripped her pants and underwear off and slid into bed.

She wasn’t going to be ridiculous. She was just going to give herself an orgasm or two, since she couldn’t actually remember the last time she had.

She tried to go slow, running her hands softly over her thighs and hips at first, leading into it, closing her eyes and letting her breath hitch when she pushed a hand up her shirt and under her bra. It wasn’t long before she was imagining that her hands were someone else’s, large and tan and completely capable of bringing her to the brink. She let out a moan when her fingers finally slipped through her folds, warm and wet and _god_ , it felt good to touch herself again.

She didn’t hear the footsteps approaching her door, didn’t hear anything at all until Bellamy was knocking on the door, calling, “Clarke?” and opening it.

She shot up in bed at the same time she yelled, “hold on!” grabbing the covers and pulling them up to her waist.

“Clarke?” Bellamy repeated. He sounded hesitant. She hadn’t ever told him to stay out, and though they’d both walked in on each other changing before, it was never a big issue. “Can I come in?”

“Sure,” she said, her voice high-pitched and embarrassed.

His brow furrowed in confusion when he saw her in bed, and Clarke felt like her face was on fire.

“What are you—” he started, but his eyes fell to her pants and underwear on the floor, and realization flooded his face.

“Oh,” he said quietly.

Clarke dropped her face to her hands. “I was just, um—taking a moment… for myself.”

“Yeah, okay.” He nodded awkwardly. “I’ll just—I’ll just go, then.”

He turned to leave, but before he did, his eyes traced her body, and there was so much heat in it that Clarke nearly shivered. So without thinking about the potential consequences, without worrying about whether it would affect the way they worked together, she called out, “Wait!”

Bellamy stopped in the open doorway, not looking at her.

“Do you want to help?”

His gaze snapped to her face. “What?”

“Well, I was just about to get myself off. Do you want to help?” She tried not to look as vulnerable as she felt, but she was pretty sure she wouldn’t be able to look at him again if he said no.

So it felt like a goddamn miracle when he toed off his shoes and walked to the bed.

“Are you sure?” he asked, as he sat down next to her.

She grabbed his neck and dragged his mouth to hers, mumbling “positive,” against his lips before she made every attempt to devour him.

Her shirt came off quickly, and Bellamy kissed her neck as he pushed her back down on the bed and got her off with his hand.

“God, I’ve wanted to do that for so long,” he mumbled as she caught her breath.

“I’ve wanted you to do that for a long time,” Clarke said back.

“Why did we wait?” he asked, but he had a stupidly happy smile on his face, and Clarke felt the same.

“Because we’re idiots. And I didn’t want to mess things up.”

“Me either,” he said.

“We won’t mess it up, will we?” Clarke asked.

“No,” he agreed as he reached behind her to remove her bra. “We won’t mess it up at all.”

Once he had given sufficient attention to her breasts, Clarke stripped his clothes off, running her hands over every inch of skin she could reach. But just before she pulled him into her, he paused.

“Wait.”

“What’s wrong?” she asked, suddenly nervous.

“Nothing, just. Do we need to be careful? Do I need to pull out, or…”

She realized what he was getting at and shook her head. “I actually just got a new implant when I was at Mount Weather. My mother insisted.” She rocked up against him. “So you don’t need to be careful of anything.”

They both groaned when he pushed into her.

“Oh we definitely waited too long for this,” she said breathlessly, smiling up at him and running her nails over his back.

“I love you,” he said, then immediately looked horrified for saying it.

Clarke just laughed at the ridiculous expression on his face. “I love you too,” she said softly. “I love you so much. A huge, stupid amount.”

He released the breath he was holding and nodded, brushing his nose against hers, and finally started to move his hips.

He thrust into her until she was gasping for breath. Her hands grasped his hair as his held her face, and they moaned in tandem, Clarke coming just seconds before him, Bellamy following in a rush.

He buried his face against her neck. “You are the best thing I’ve ever felt,” he mumbled. Clarke felt her face go pink at the declaration, even though they were both just making the dirtiest sounds at each other a moment before.

She stroked his hair. “Believe me, the feeling’s mutual.”

 

Octavia took charge of Kenna that night, so they could be alone, and they woke up the next morning to soft sunlight filtering through the windows.

Bellamy smiled at her when she rolled over, and she bit her lip to stop the ridiculous grin threatening to spread over her entire face.

“Morning,” he said, and Clarke tilted her face to meet his kiss. He carded his fingers through her hair as she kissed lightly over his neck, humming happily. When she settled back against his chest, he grabbed her hand and twined their fingers together while they talked about their plans for the day. Picking up Kenna was the first order of business.

“So I’m thinking we should teach her how to say ‘dad’ next,” Clarke said.

She felt Bellamy swallow. “That would—that would be nice.”

“Because that’s what you are, right?” She turned to look at his face. “You’re Kenna’s dad?”

“Yeah,” the emotion was thick in his voice. “I’m Kenna’s dad.”

“Good,” Clarke declared. “Because no one could love her better than you.”

“Only you,” he said, leaning forward to kiss her forehead. Clarke felt warmth flow through her at the affection.

“You know what went through my mind the first time I held her, that night in my cabin with you?” he asked.

Clarke remembered the night clearly – looking back now, it felt like the beginning of everything. “What?”

“I was just looking at her, and she was so small, and I was thinking that everything seemed possible again. That this wasted world had a new chance,” he said softly.

Clarke swallowed over the lump in her throat, but she couldn’t stop a stray tear from falling. “I love you,” she whispered.

“Why didn’t you ever do anything about it?”

“I don’t know, I-” she paused. “I never even considered it. I’ve gotten used to not really being happy? To just being fine, and that’s good enough. And there’s a part of me that still feels like… like I don’t deserve this. Not you, and not Kenna. I don’t deserve to be this happy. Pursuing things that I want? I don’t really think like that anymore.”

He buried his face in her neck and groaned. “You deserve everything Clarke. You deserve to be so overwhelmingly happy. And I’m so fucking relieved you think _I_ can make you happy.”

She laughed. “You do. You always make me happy.”

And then she kissed him long and deep, because really, she had waited way too long to kiss Bellamy Blake the first time, and she wasn’t going to waste anymore time. He kissed back in earnest, and Clarke felt shivers run down her spine as his warm hands traced over her skin, and he murmured happy words about how much he loved her, and how beautiful she was. She felt suddenly, startlingly glad to be alive.

 

They left their cabin an hour later. Clarke stopped at Raven’s, waking her up from a hangover to declare, “it happened, and it was good. It was _really_ good,” smugly. She heard a muffled, “fuck you, Griffin,” as she walked out.

They picked up Kenna from Octavia’s cabin, and she got started on teaching her to say “dad” right away.

“Or would you rather she call you ‘papa’?” she asked Bellamy teasingly.

He only wrapped his arms around her from behind, pulled her into his chest and mumbled, “whatever you want,” against her ear.

**Author's Note:**

> The lines that Bellamy says about Kenna, "everything seemed possible again," and "the world had a new chance," are totally stolen from/influenced by the author Jonathan Safran Foer and the nearly identical words he used to describe his experience of new fatherhood in the book Eating Animals. I love it so much, and it seems like exactly the kind of thing Bellamy would think while holding a baby.  
> Let me know what you think if you have a chance. As always, criticism is welcome! (Also, I am super sleep deprived while posting this, so if you find any errors please tell me!)


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